And #4!
I found the queen in the arboretum, a great big glass room chock-full of plants. The sun had already crested the horizon, bleeding through the iron gray clouds. How long had I been tortured and left unconscious? Unless my watch was broken, I showed the time as two o'clock in the morning. The gardener was with her, but when she saw me, she dismissed the gardener, and we were alone.
My watch showed the time as two in the morning, but shafts of ruddy sunlight already bled through the iron gray clouds. It must have been broken in the night. How long had I been tortured and left unconscious?
ReplyDeleteI stumbled into the glass-walled arboretum, surrounded by the dense green growth of a thousand plants. The queen was there, consulting with the gardener. One look at me and she sent him away, leaving us alone.
The queen found me in the arboretum, sufficatingly full of plants. The sun bled through the forebodding gray clouds. How long had I been tortured and left unconscious? Judging from my joints and crusted wounds, it had been hours. The gardener was with her, but when I looked up, she dismissed him, and we were alone.
ReplyDelete[Looking on it now, I think I would beef up the artificial sunrise bit. That's where the tension is: in the contrast between the powerful and the powerless, and with the exact magnitude of power unknown.]
ReplyDeleteI found the queen in the arboretum, a great big glass room chock-full of plants. The sun had already crested the horizon, bleeding through the iron gray clouds. How long had I been tortured and left unconscious? Unless my watch was broken, I showed the time as two o'clock in the morning. Could Abby have created an artificial sunrise? Did she have that kind of power? The gardener was with her, but when she saw me, she dismissed the gardener, and we were alone.
I found the queen in the arboretum, a great big glass room chock-full of plants. The sun had already crested the horizon, bleeding through the iron gray clouds. How long had I been tortured and left unconscious? Unless my watch was broken, I showed the time as two o'clock in the morning. The gardener was with her, but when she saw me, she dismissed the gardener, and we were alone.
ReplyDelete(I'd switch around the order a little bit, lead in with the juicy parts instead of description. If we've got torture and unconsciousness, we need to focus on that.)
How long had I been unconscious? The sun had already crested the horizon, bleeding pink through the iron gray clouds, but my watch showed only 2 AM. Perhaps they had broken it, too, with their torture.
I finally found the queen in the arboretum, in a heated discussion with the gardener. When they saw me they fell silent, and the queen dismissed him with a flick of the wrist. At last we were alone.