Blogiversary Re-post #2: My 3 Life Lessons

From January 23, 2009. Because they're still true, and I still need to learn them.

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I've slowly come to the realization that there are 3 major lessons I keep re-learning, over and over and over. Each time they dawn on me as Truth, as Revelation, even though I'm well aware I've learned them before. It's just so easy to forget. If I believed in reincarnation or karma, I'd say these are the lessons I'm working on in this life.

So I'm going to put them in writing this time, hoping that will help me keep them in mind. Y'all feel free to remind me, too.

1. Give without expectation. If you give love freely, or do things for others freely, without expecting anything in return (this is the hard part for me), the love will come back to you. People will choose to do things for you. CHOOSE, instead of being expected to, which is different and vastly better.
2. Do the work first, and inspiration will follow. This is really just a different version of butt-in-chair, but it is SO easy to get frustrated when writing or life isn't going the way you want it to, and want to give up because it isn't coming. I realized this one again yesterday when (whew) I had a big plot revelation for SSP...after banging my head against a wall for 11,000 words. Yes, I start with ideas, but the story doesn't coalesce until I put the hard work in. Often I struggle to scrape the words together for my daily goal, only to find that at the end of the session words come, I get into the flow, and I go over my word count. You have to go through the hard part.
3. Things happen for a reason. I know. This is an old saw, and can seem pretty flat when the world is falling apart around you. But it's true.

Example: I had some pretty miserable school experiences. I mean bad. At one point in 5th grade there was an "I hate Susan club", and many of my classmates were members. Yeah. Because I went through all that a little part of my psyche is still there, still dealing with social struggles and rejection.

Unforeseen Result: Now I write YA. I couldn't, if I hadn't suffered then. I understand what that place is like.

Example: Both my husband and I were laid off within 3 months of each other. We had a 6-month-old child, we had no income besides Social Security, and the economy was tight in our industries, so we had trouble finding jobs (sound familiar?).

Unforeseen Result: Instead of having our child in daycare, I was able to stay home with her for a year. Then I got a really good job in Montana, in a small town, and my husband stayed home with her for another year, until she was ready to start at a fabulous preschool that she loves. My mom moved here a year later (from somewhere else), and now Child is able to have a close relationship with her grandparents that she would not have otherwise had. It worked out in a way I never would have guessed 6 years ago.

I am NOT saying change is easy, or work is easy, or giving of yourself is easy. None of it is. It's freaking hard, and that's why I keep forgetting these lessons. (over and over and...) But I welcome the moments when I realize them again, and feel that surge of YES.

Blogiversary Re-post #3: Be Afraid

This is my most popular post by far. Mostly just because Janet linked to it, which spread it far and wide from there. :)

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What is your biggest fear?

Rejection? Death? The unknown? Loss? Is your main character facing down that fear?

Why not?

I don't know where I read or heard this first: Robert McKee, maybe, or quite possibly Donald Maass, in his Surrey master classes. The advice: Find your fear, and dump it on the page. Make your character deal with it in just the way you've always dreaded. 

It's hard. I've done it, stared at the screen thinking "No, I can't talk about that. Even thinking about that scares me silly. How can I possibly live every day with that ache, that trickle of fear, for months?" You can. You should. It brings a vividness to your book that will otherwise be missing, that will become the vague, undefined lack earning you "I just didn't love this" comments by the bucketful.

However, if you truthfully portray your fear, and your characters react to it honestly, your book will resonate with readers. See, the trick is you're not the only one with that particular fear. If it's cathartic for you to deal with it on the page and come through the other side, it's cathartic for readers as well. They'll recognize the truth, connect with the powerful emotions. Rip through the pages to see if your MC will overcome it. Cheer for her when she does.

Like everybody, I've got several fears that underlie everything, that can rise to the surface with one word. One is rejection.

I'm not talking about book rejection—that's just a step in the process, in my opinion. I'm talking about when your best friend for years starts going cold. Stops calling you. Tells you one day, in front of all the people you most want to impress, that she can't believe she was ever friends with you in the first place, you're such a loser.

Yes, that happened to me.

Or when your boyfriend, or husband, starts spending long hours away from you. Turns away when you try to kiss him, or worse, pretends. But you can tell. It's different. It's over, you just haven't admitted it yet.

Or when you're a kid, and one of your parents leaves, for reasons that are perfectly valid from a grown-up's perspective, but to a kid just means they've failed somehow.

Jenna dealt with that fear. Natalie's facing it too, in a different way from a different source. But I think it's a common anxiety, and important. And very, very real to me. 

Another one I didn't even realize until I wrote Jenna was the fear of losing control. I hadn't realized the true terror of that moment when—because of medical reasons, or because you're just a kid—decisions about your life are taken out of your hands, and you no longer have a choice. I did that to Jenna. Of course she took control back, but she had to lose it first. I had to, to understand it.

Don't hold back. Don't sugar-coat issues, to make them safe. Face your fears. Make your characters go through those particular layers of hell. 

And then, at the end, let them win.

Blogiversary Re-post #4: News (yes, finally!)

This is a re-post of another of my seminal moments in writing life so far, signing with the wonderful, sharkly Janet Reid.

When I posted this, I think I rather thought the rough bits of my writing journey were over completely, but not quite yet. Still hanging in, but so glad to have Janet on my team!

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I am absolutely THRILLED to announce that as of this morning I have signed with Janet Reid, of FinePrint Literary Management!!!!!

I first ran across Janet at Surrey, as part of the panel of the dreaded SIWC Idol workshop. As in previous years, I submitted my 2 pages, this time of JENNA, to be read aloud and critiqued. Kristin Nelson stopped the reading, but Janet stood up for it, and said she loved the beginning and would have kept reading.

I didn't really consider submitting to her, though, because I knew she didn't take YAs. However, I ran into her again at the banquet, and reminded her that she'd liked my book...and she asked for pages right there. Sadly, I didn't have them hiding in my cocktail dress, but I slipped the first chapter to her the next day. She said she'd get in touch with me.

Fast forward to November. I hadn't heard from her, but I'd been submitting to other agents, and I still had her on my list as a long shot (no YAs, remember?). So I sent her a follow-up email with the first chapter again. Didn't hear right away, but that's standard. Kept submitting. In the meantime a few other agents asked for the full.

On December 18th, I got a wonderful email from Janet saying she couldn't believe she hadn't asked for the full right away, and could I please send it?

She read the whole thing IN ONE DAY and called to offer representation that night. She loved it. (okay, I feel like Sally Fields now; I will refrain)

We had to wait until the other agents considering the full had a chance to respond, which is why the long radio silence between then and now. But from the moment I talked to her that night, I wanted to sign with her. She's wonderful, and she LOVED THE BOOK. Just as it is. (yes, I did watch Bridget Jones last night, why do you ask?)

As to not repping YAs? I asked Janet that. She said "Well, we're just going to change that right now, aren't we?" :)

So there you have it. I have an agent.

Thanks to all of you for your support through everything!!

Blogiversary Re-post #5: Oh, it was a good one

From December 26th, 2007:

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Usually, Child wakes me up with a gentle tapping on my back. Sometimes it incorporates into my dream, like the alarm buzzer, but she just keeps up the tapping, tap tap tap, until I respond.

Yesterday it was more of a thump thump thump.

"HE CAME!" she said, in a barely restrained whisper. I rolled over immediately, to find two big eyes, right there. "He CAME and you'd never believe it I've never seen so many presents IN MY LIFE!"

She bounced up and down, clutching her teddy bear, beaming.

"Really?" I whispered back, snapping out of grogginess pretty quick. "Did he eat the cookies?"

"YES! I looked, and there were only CRUMBS LEFT! And he drank all the milk except for THIS MUCH!" She scrunched her fingers together in a fist, showing me a teeny gap, and grinned. Bounce, bounce, bounce. "And I've never seen so many presents, and you have to come look, and there's a present on top that's shaped like a TURKEY! Come ON!"

There was no "okay in five minutes" yesterday. There was only a smile between me and hubby, and a quick throwing on of socks and such, and an even quicker push of the coffeemaker button.

And then it was Christmas.

The rest of the day was wonderful, filled with surprises and playing and phone calls and a lovely time with grandma and grandpa. But that...that was my favorite moment. That lasts me all year.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

Blogiversary Re-post #6: I Wonder

Today, the theme is Child. I have a bunch of "favorite" posts about Child, but I narrowed it down to two. I think. Both from 2007!

Here's the first one, from May 2007, called I Wonder.
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It hit me this morning, the perfect word about raising kids. In fact, I think this word was made to describe the experience of raising kids.

Wonder.

In that first moment, when you hold your first baby in your arms, wonder overwhelms you. Look at the little toes! The pink, squashed cheeks! The tiny swirl of hair! It is completely amazing that this...person...grew inside you, and is real.

And the sense of wonder really doesn't stop. You hang over her, entranced, as she sleeps. Breathing! Snoring! Then as she takes her first steps, toddling straight into your arms. As she says her first word. As she writes her own name. As she goes to school, as she learns to swim. If you're anything like me, you're constantly struck by how cool, how wondrous, all of these achievements are, day by day.

But there's the other kind of wonder too, and that's an equally huge part of being a parent.

I wonder what she'll be when she grows up?
I wonder if she'll like to read, like me?
I wonder what she's doing at school today?
I wonder how she can behave like that, when we've had this discussion before?
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing?

When I signed up for being a parent, I hadn't realized there'd be so much uncertainty, so much doubt. Sure, there are all the jokes about wishing they'd come with a manual, and the sober advice that they're all different, and you have to make up new rules for each one. But I had no idea that I'd constantly be wondering if I was making the right choices, doing enough, saying the right thing. Or worrying about her even when she's not with me (especially when she's not with me).

I'm not really looking forward to the teenage years, when my central worry might be "I wonder where she is right now?". Fortunately, I also expect there will still be some of that other kind of wonder--the amazement kind, at what an awesome kid I'm raising--to balance it out.

**side note, on Question 2: Last night when we were discussing reading, Child said "I can't IMAGINE not loving to read. It's so FUN. And you learn things!" So I guess I don't have to wonder about that one. :)

Blogiversary Re-post #7: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I love this old post, from February 12, 2007, for personal reasons: it was when I flipped the switch and changed my writing life, turning completely from historicals to YA. I dropped a book on Isabella of Castile I had 9,000 words on, because I was starting to hate it, and I just didn't feel I wanted to write that way anymore. So I had a long talk with a friend, and posted this after making my decision. The VERY next day I wrote out the starting point and characters for JENNA, and found my voice.

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There are some big changes going on...in my head. {s}

On Friday I took a hard look at what I'm doing--what my writing goals are, what I'm passionate about, what kind of career I want to build. And what's not working for me now. With the help of a good friend, I realized that if I want to change course I need to do it NOW, before I get stuck on a track I don't want to be on.

In short, writing historicals isn't making me happy right now; it's making me UNhappy. I dread the research, I'm bored with characters whose lives I already know, in a world I can't experience yet have to stick to. I feel like I'm writing with both hands tied behind my back, and it's stopped being fun.

I'm yearning to write something of my own, a story that's wholly mine. Where I don't have to stick to a script--I make up the script. Where I can include elements that excite me, where I can let go and use my real voice, instead of trying to re-create someone long dead.

And I was thinking, la la la, I can write this new book, in a new genre for me, and still try to sell TMT.

No.

If I sell it--and I still think that I could, if I spent some time really improving it--I will be expected to write historicals for a good long time, to build my career. And I don't want to do that.

I made a list of all the things I love to read about, to think about. Of the things that I love from my favorite authors of all time (the humor of Douglas Adams; the other worlds of Susan Cooper; the adventure and pacing of Mary Stewart, etc.). And folks, I am going My Own Way.

So you will see a change already in the blog...the Book 2 counter is gone. The references to historical fiction are gone. And guess what--instead of that medieval lady over there in the profile that I was hiding behind? There's me. (Well, a cartoon representation of me, but that's the closest you get for now.)

And the Medieval Word of the Day? That was nice, wasn't it? But I'm sorry, that has to go too.

My word of the day: transform: To change the form of; to change into another shape or form; to metamorphose.

Blogiversary Re-post #8: The Sensation of COLD

Happy Tuesday!! This re-post is just because I think it's useful in describing what Really Cold feels like. Before coming to Montana I had no idea. Thankfully today it's about 30 above zero, so this is a memory of what December was like this year...

From January 12, 2007, I bring you: BRRRR.

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This morning it is -24 degrees. Fahrenheit.

It's difficult to describe what that kind of cold feels like, but for the sake of an exercise, I'll try.

I bundle up of course; you have to. I'm wearing silky long johns under jeans, a long-sleeve shirt under a hooded sweatshirt, boots, a lined coat, gloves, and a hat. I never wear a hat unless it's really cold, but at this temperature it's necessary or there's a very real danger that my ears will get frostbite. It's happened before--with mild frostbite the lobes turn a mottled red and the skin flakes. Yuck. So I'm wearing a pale blue tuque that I got, unbelievably, at a San Diego Padres baseball game. Much more useful here than in San Diego.

I also have a soft black scarf wrapped around my neck and over my mouth. I wish I could wrap it over my nose too, but I wear glasses, and that means instant fogging up. Not good to be stumbling around outside when the goal is to get IN, as fast as possible.

Even with all this protection it's still painfully cold for that top half of my face that's still exposed. The worst, really, is my nose. The instant I step outside my nose hairs freeze--I'm not kidding! It's a nasty sensation. Tickly, but sharp, like hundreds of little doll-size needles inside your nose. I try not to inhale very much, or very deeply. My cheeks and my forehead ache with cold before I take ten steps. My glasses freeze and the metal frames become heavy; I'm aware of each point they touch my face. In spite of my gloves, the tips of my fingers ache and tingle, sending a warning to my body that I recognized even when I was a newbie at this. ("This is ridiculous! Why are we outside in this? Get the hell in!")

Cars, even new, fancy cars, don't start when it's this cold. Our CRV did, but only reluctantly after a couple of tries. Once you do get on the road every car pumps massive clouds of steam out the tailpipe, a rolling chain of fog. Everyone goes slower, because you have to wait for the car-cloud in front of you to clear before you go. If you stop somewhere for an hour or so the warmth inside the car, from your breath or the remnants of the heater, freezes inside the windows, and you have to run it for 10 minutes or so or drive anyway, peering through patterns of ice.

But we're in Montana, and we're supposed to be tough. So everybody smiles at each other once we're in, rubbing our gloved hands, stomping our feet. "It's a bit cold out today," someone says. "But actually not that bad," someone else answers. "Remember when it used to be -40, for 3 weeks at a time? We have it easy now."

Yeah. We have it easy.

Medieval Word of the Day: inlaw: One who is within the domain and protection of the law: opp. to outlaw.

(Okay, I had to laugh at that one. That would be confusing for time-travelers, wouldn't it?)

Blogiversary Re-post #9: Critters

Apparently in early 2006 I was thinking an awful lot about critiques and feedback. Here's a handy little post, hopefully still useful, on how to choose critique partners.

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How to Choose Critique Partners (aka critters)

To me, critters and readers are a vital part of the process of writing. I wouldn't feel comfortable sending a book off to agents without knowing that somebody besides me had read the thing.

I expect my critters, in general, to:

--tell me if the story "hangs" together
--point out plot holes or inconsistencies (why did Davy's eyes change from green to blue?)
--check pacing (did they want to keep turning the pages? was there anywhere it sagged?)
--note any oddities in language that pulled them out of the story
--tell me about character (did they like Katherine? did they hate the villain? why? Were their feelings mitigated or changed at the end?)
--say, as a reader, if the ending and the story arc was satisfying. Were they happy when they closed the book?

These are from regular critters. "Expert" critters I expect to really just look at their portion of expertise. I had someone read TMT to check that my descriptions of the countryside and flora and fauna of northern England were correct. She also had some excellent comments about the little bits of dialect I have, since she's a native-born of that area. I had a monk look at the scenes in an abbey of his order. I had an archaeologist look at the scenes in the abbey that he's excavating. These readers may or may not have other comments, but you really need them for their expertise.

So what things do you look for in a critter, to give you all this feedback?

1. Honesty. This one is absolutely imperative. It's up to you whether it needs to be honesty couched with tact, or plain-speaking brutal truth, but you need to know what they really thought. Not what you want to hear.

2. A critical eye. I don't think critters need to be writers; a reader's perspective can be just as valuable (that's who you're selling to in the end, after all!). But it won't help you if they read it and say only "it was great!". They need to be able to evaluate it and be able to express what they liked, and what they didn't. How it could be improved.

3. Patience. I doubt this one is just me. I tend to pepper my critters with questions after they finish a read, at least for a day or so. They need to be able to deal with questions.

4. Expertise. If they're one of your expertise readers, but of course.

What do they get out of doing this monumental task for you? Well, if they're writers, you might offer to read their work critically in exchange. This is almost always a good deal. If they're experts, they get the thrill of having been asked, and being able to talk about their expertise. (you laugh, but this seems to be enough) If they're readers and like your genre, they get to read a book, hopefully a good one, when no one else has had a chance to see it yet.

And of course, they get a mention in your acknowledgments when you do get published. Never forget your critters in the acknowledgments; they helped you get this book out to everyone else.

Medieval Word of the Day: selcouth: Unfamiliar, unusual, rare; strange, marvellous, wonderful.

Blogiversary Re-post #10: Listen and Reflect

I've had this blog for 4 years tomorrow. Wow! That's a lot of blathering.

To celebrate, I scoured back through my ancient posts to find the ones I liked best. There's a good mix of craft, Child, news, changes...it's been interesting to see where my head was through all these books, through these 4 years.

The posts aren't in favorite order, because I simply couldn't decide. I'm going to go from oldest to most recent. So here's a gem from April 2006, when I was in the midst of writing my first book, The Murderess's Tale. It's called Listen and Reflect.

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Today I'm thinking about feedback, and how critical it is in the process of becoming a writer. Not just that you get feedback--that is vital, unless you're a random genius who is perfect, and then we would all have to hate you--but how you judge it, and how you accept it.

Newbies, for example, are often swayed by the slightest breeze of a comment. I tread particularly carefully when critting newbies, because they are so very easy to crush. "You have an opinion about my work? (You actually read my work, wow!) Of course you're right! I'll change it right away!" And then the next critiquer comes along and says the opposite, and the newbie changes again. And again. We have all been there. Finally at some point it comes home, with a slam. How can all of these people be right, when they contradict each other? And why should they know more about my characters than me?

Unfortunately, this leads some into the donkey phase. I will not budge my work is right I am the only one who knows here let me explain to you what this really means and why you just aren't seeing it correctly...

Hmm, perhaps this should be the "toddler phase" instead.

Donkey/toddler people think that they want feedback, but they don't. They want validation that their work is perfect as is, and praise up the wazoo. When they don't get that, they either argue or they lash out, but they don't listen. (Some writers are, I fear, trapped in the donkey/toddler phase.)

At a certain point, if you're really taking this thing seriously and want to succeed, you have to move into "listen and reflect". Here you ask a variety of people for feedback (of course, not just your friends, your mom, or your co-workers; also ask experts in your field, your historical area, the region your book takes place in, and agents, if you're that far in), and you LISTEN. Carefully. Attentively. With as much distance as you can muster. You resist the urge to jump in and say "but but". You write down their comments, or you save them in neat files. You say "thank you very much; your feedback is so important to me." Then you don't look at it for a while (more distance).

When you've gathered a bunch, you take it all out and look at it again, all together. Chances are those points that seemed so hurtful and mean the first time (and yes, sometimes they still do) seem much calmer and more reasoned now. So now you can analyze it. Is there a pattern? Are different people saying the same things? Weigh them based on their expertise. Put more weight on the regional critiquer's comments about the landscape than your neighbor's. ;)

Then, most important, reflect. Which ones resonate with you? Which suggestions are things that had crossed your mind, but you really didn't want to admit it? Which ones make you excited to think about changing? Which ones cause you to think differently about the whole work, see how it could be better?

This is what I'm doing with TMT. I've gotten a little flak here and there that I'm "changing it for agents" or "changing it based on a few comments". No. Three agents read it and made comments, and some of those comments were RIGHT ON. I knew it, after my defense mechanisms shut down. I knew that the book was okay as is, but if I did these things it would be oh so much better. I'm not writing "to" anybody, except me. But I asked, then I listened, and then I reflected. I think if you do anything else in this business--if you're a swayer or a donkey--you're sunk before you start.

Medieval Word of the Day: recolage: wanton or riotous conduct.
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